Charting the ADHD Roller Coaster's Thrills and Spills

Michele Novotni, psychologist, coach, and ADHD expert

Psychologist, coach, and ADHD expert Michele Novotni is the author of What  Does Everybody Else Know That I Don’t?: Social Skills Help for Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder.

Below, she offers this simple  advice for you and your ADHD partner to start establishing priorities about tasks and chores:

“I want my husband to understand that I don’t do it on purpose. He thinks that I ‘forget’ to close the cabinets or ‘forget’ to put something away on purpose.”

Ginny, a client in my group for adults with ADHD, was sharing her frustrations over living with a husband who doesn’t have ADHD.  Her ADHD-specific need for relationship advice is common, especially when it comes to domestic tasks. Read the rest of this entry »

Is your ADHD Partner overconfident about his or her ability to watch the road while texting? How about suggesting a spin behind this stimulator for some objective feedback. Read the rest of this entry »

Since my book was published (Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder), I have been receiving letters from readers worldwide. I have permission to share the following three.  These mens’ words might strike a chord for you.

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Hi Gina,

I am a man diagnosed with ADHD. I have accepted the diagnosis only after realizing that focusing on myself and exercise is not the only answer. True, it took me 50 years to discover this, I feel the combination of my medication, exercise, and focusing has proven to be successful. At least in my mind, less so for my wife, apparently. Read the rest of this entry »

My husband walked into my office, took one look at the explosion of papers surrounding me, and asked, “What the **** happened in here?” There I was, sitting on the floor poring over every study and article I could find on how Adult ADHD affects parenting (all in preparation for presenting on the topic at the CADDAC conference on ADHD in Toronto May 30-31). With all the various angles and possibilities to cover — ADHD is no one-size-fits-all condition, after all — it felt very overwhelming.

A few days later, with the presentation finally Powerpointed, I met a 40-something mother who also felt overwhelmed — by living the topic I’d only been writing about. Definitely more challenging!. This top-of-her-class attorney had adjusted fairly well to her first child’s arrival some seven years ago. Four years later came her second daughter, the sweet-faced little spitfire whose photo she proudly shared with me from her iPhone. That’s when this stay-at-home mom’s organizing skills — tenuous, even at times humorous, since childhood — hit the skids. Read the rest of this entry »

Join me in a teleconference April 28, sponsored by CHADD of Pennsylvania. The topic is You, Me, and ADD: Success Strategies for Couples. It’s free to CHADD members and $12 for non-members. (Limit: 75 attendees; priority given to Pennsylvania residents.)

Are you living a roller coaster life around ADHD? Do you have a partner who is undiagnosed or in denial about having ADHD — or thinks you should do all the accommodating? Especially in this economy, can you or your family afford to settle for less than you deserve in the way of workable strategies? I’ll share with you some of the best advice from top experts.

Bonus: All registrants will receive a free book excerpt — detailing little talked-about ways in which undetected, unaddressed ADHD traits can challenge relationships (read the chapter’s introduction below). To learn more and register, visit CHADD of Pennsylvania’s website. Read the rest of this entry »

Of course I didn’t ask him that — especially while he was writing my traffic citation. But afterwards, as we chatted and I happened to mention Adult ADHD, he assumed I could somehow tell that he has it.

Let me explain.

Neighborhood merchants have been complaining to the police department about drivers making dangerous u-turns, and the ensuing dragnet caught me. (Who knew that turning left into a diagonal parking slot constitutes a u-turn? At any rate, I’d never pulled this move before, yet parking was tight, rain was falling, and my post-surgical gimpy foot limited the distance I could walk to the bank. But alas, that’s been my lot since grade school: never getting away with a darn thing, even on the first attempt.)

The officer was cordial and professional, and I apologized for my unwitting transgression. When he handed me a warning, my gratitude prompted me to think about offering him one of my books (a case is always in the trunk). Read the rest of this entry »

“Whoa, looks like I got a little carried away with the pitchfork,” I mutter, looking out the window to see a small fountain shooting from the soaker hose.

“Huh? What’s wrong?” says my husband with alarm in his voice, defensively peering over his impromptu shield, The New York Times.

“Relax, I just punctured the hose when I was digging out those dahlias yesterday. A piece of it was buried in the dirt, and I didn’t see it.”

“Shew!” he says, chuckling and relaxing back into the Week in Review. “I’m glad it was you who goofed up and not me.” Living for a few decades with unrecognized ADHD can make a person a bit…gunshy, always half-expecting to be reamed out for some unintentional, unforeseen consequence. Moreover, living with a domestically and logistically high-functioning mate can bring dispiriting “less-than” comparisons. Read the rest of this entry »

Initially, maybe you were attracted to your ADHD partner’s spontaneity, only to find that he or she had no choice but to be spontaneous; planning was impossible! Or, perhaps your ADHD partner’s ability to make you laugh — from that first date to your 25th anniversary — has held you together during the rough times.

In previous posts, we compared the traits that attracted ADHD Partner Survey respondents to their mates, and vice versa. Then we asked respondents if their ADHD partners’ attractive traits remained as the relationship matured. Half the partners said, “Yes, those traits stayed the same.” The other half said, “Nope.” Either way, most respondents added nuance by writing in text responses (below). (Remember: Most respondents didn’t know Adult ADHD, and their partners were not diagnosed, until years into the relationship.)

Read the rest of this entry »

Perhaps that person you fell in love with is still right there by your side. But maybe that person has somehow–inexplicably, strangely, annoyingly–disappeared!

In the last post, we compared the traits that attracted ADHD Partner Survey respondents to their mates, and vice versa. This time, let’s see if those traits continued to be present (or attractive) as the relationship matured. In a nutshell, about half the partners said, “Yes, those traits stayed the same.” As for the other half….not so much. Read the rest of this entry »

Let’s visit the world of ADHD relationship stereotypes, where you’ll find this common assumption: A fun-loving person with ADHD (a passionate, creative, carefree, and spontaneous life-of-the-party type) pairs with a clock-watching, deadline-meeting, spirit-dampening, laundry-folding, i-dotting, dour, dull, and dutiful mate. Surely a match made in heaven, right? After all, opposites attract, don’t they?

Not so fast, as this chart helps to explain.

Sure, like all stereotypes, there is some truth to this mating polarity. But plenty of people with ADHD are socially phobic, dramatically unspontaneous, and overburdened by cares. Likewise, many partners of adults with ADHD can be masters of efficiency while also remaining flexible and easy-going, and displaying a great sense of humor. Read the rest of this entry »