Charting the ADHD Roller Coaster's Thrills and Spills

“Whoa, looks like I got a little carried away with the pitchfork,” I muttered, looking out the window to see a small fountain shooting from the soaker hose.

“Huh? What’s wrong?” says my husband with alarm in his voice, peering over his impromptu shield, The New York Times.

“Relax, I just punctured the hose when I was digging out those dahlias yesterday. A piece of it was buried in the dirt, and I didn’t see it.”

“Shew!” he says, chuckling and relaxing back into the Week in Review. “I’m glad it was you who goofed up and not me.” Living for a few decades with unrecognized ADHD can make a person a bit…gunshy, always half-expecting to be reamed out for some unintentional, unforeseen consequence. Moreover, living with a domestically and logistically high-functioning mate can bring dispiriting “less-than” comparisons.

Yet, in a sense, that’s the beauty of being married to my husband instead of one of the many engineers I dated in my youth. Make no mistake: They were wonderful men all, with unerring ability to perform tasks (from oil changes to computer-memory upgrades) methodically, carefully, logically. It carried a certain comforting charm that smacked of maturity and reliability.

The dark side of this reliability: A chronic inability to make non-linear leaps — or to fully trust people who can. Commit one deed that struck them as “illogical” and look out. My husband is plenty brilliant, accomplished in areas that I can understand only superficially, but he’s not a judgmental perfectionist (except when I tried to make a healthy pie crust out of ground almonds; a man has to draw the line somewhere).

So, to me, one of the sweetest things my husband can say to me is, “You do so many things well, that it’s always a relief when you demonstrate that you’re not perfect.” Moreover, he never gets angry with me for bone-headed moves — because he knows whatever he says, it can never be as tough as what I’ll tell myself — and he’s always supportive of my endeavors, including writing a book that meant ADHD was the topic of too many conversations.

No, this has nothing to do with the ADHD Partner Survey. I just think it’s important to take a break sometimes and remember why we love our partners with ADHD, even as we honestly validate the challenges many of us face — and then learn to compassionately work through the challenges.

Initially, maybe you were attracted to your ADHD partner’s spontaneity, only to find that he or she had no choice but to be spontaneous; planning was impossible! Or, perhaps your ADHD partner’s ability to make you laugh — from that first date to your 25th anniversary — has held you together during the rough times.

In previous posts, we compared the traits that attracted ADHD Partner Survey respondents to their mates, and vice versa. Then we asked respondents if their ADHD partners’ attractive traits remained as the relationship matured. Half the partners said, “Yes, those traits stayed the same.” The other half said, “Nope.” Either way, most respondents added nuance by writing in text responses (below). (Remember: Most respondents didn’t know Adult ADHD, and their partners were not diagnosed, until years into the relationship.)

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Perhaps that person you fell in love with is still right there by your side. But maybe that person has somehow–inexplicably, strangely, annoyingly–disappeared!

In the last post, we compared the traits that attracted ADHD Partner Survey respondents to their mates, and vice versa. This time, let’s see if those traits continued to be present (or attractive) as the relationship matured. In a nutshell, about half the partners said, “Yes, those traits stayed the same.” As for the other half….not so much. Read the rest of this entry »

Let’s visit the world of ADHD relationship stereotypes, where you’ll find this common assumption: A fun-loving person with ADHD (a passionate, creative, carefree, and spontaneous life-of-the-party type) pairs with a clock-watching, deadline-meeting, spirit-dampening, laundry-folding, i-dotting, dour, dull, and dutiful mate. Surely a match made in heaven, right? After all, opposites attract, don’t they?

Not so fast, as this chart helps to explain.

Sure, like all stereotypes, there is some truth to this mating polarity. But plenty of people with ADHD are socially phobic, dramatically unspontaneous, and overburdened by cares. Likewise, many partners of adults with ADHD can be masters of efficiency while also remaining flexible and easy-going, and displaying a great sense of humor. Read the rest of this entry »

One thing’s for sure: Living with ADHD in yourself or someone else requires an overdeveloped sense of humor!

That’s why I tracked down — all the way to a Swiss museum — excellent vintage photos of roller coaster riders so I could obtain the rights to share them with you and offer this contest. Read the rest of this entry »

Let’s continue with more answers to this question in the ADHD Partner survey: “What do you wish you’d known earlier about Adult ADHD?” As you can see, the question touched a nerve with survey respondents, the partners of adults with ADHD.

• Public awareness on ADHD stinks, especially the campaigns by various groups about how awful it is to give people medication. My partner and I continually encounter people who don’t “believe” in ADHD, as if it’s the tooth fairy. They should live it. And those adults who have ADHD and don’t know it – but do a lot of “self-medicating” with tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, sex, or speeding on the freeway — should learn about it. I know that having untreated ADHD deeply affected my partner’s health. He used to get so exhausted just Read the rest of this entry »

Even now, 14 years after Adult ADHD was declared a medical diagnosis, ignorance remains. That means millions suffer in isolation. With this next question from the ADHD Partner survey, respondents detail the cost of that ignorance.

Question: What do you wish you’d known earlier about ADHD?

• I wish we’d known before marriage. That way, we could have put strategies into place. Instead, he couldn’t cope with being a husband and then a father while holding down a job, and I didn’t understand. The public needs to know that ADHD has a major impact on relationships and that their “problems” are not unique to them: they are, in fact, symptoms.

• I wish I’d known exactly what my wife meant when she said, prior to our marriage, “I’m going to drive you crazy. I want you to know that up front.” Read the rest of this entry »

We’ve all heard the classic way that adults discover they might have ADHD: Their child is diagnosed. Upon learning the symptoms, they say, “Wow, that sounds just like I used to be!” And the spouse says, “What do you mean, used to be.”

The ADHD Partner Survey asked respondents, “How did you learn your partner might have ADHD?” and offered the options shown in the chart below. For most respondents, the media and/or their therapists did the most to connect their partner’s behavior to ADHD symptoms. And they did this five times better than the family doctor.

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If your partner has ADHD, you’d surely know it, right? The signs would have been obvious from the very beginning of the relationship, right?

Not so fast. Sometimes this is true, especially given recent years’ increased awareness. In the last decade or two, better childhood screening also means more young adults with ADHD enter relationships fully aware of their strengths and challenges, and they often have embraced good strategies to achieve balance. But for most ADHD Partner Survey respondents, most of whom were 30 and over, ADHD flew far under the radar screen–sometimes for decades.

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Maybe you’ve heard that people with ADHD are “creative” or “risk-taking” or “extroverted.” The truth is, people with ADHD are individuals. Yes, the estimated 10 to 20 million of these adults in the U.S. alone have distinct personalities, talents, backgrounds, and attitudes. And, like everyone else, they don’t fit neatly into a box.

Still, there’s one thing adults with ADHD do have in common: a syndrome that manifests very differently across the spectrum, depending on which traits predominate.

That’s why if you rely on shaky stereotypes about what Adult ADHD is or is not, you might never see the Big Picture. More likely, you’ll see only caricatures, not people with a complex condition that closely resembles the human condition— writ large. More important, you’ll miss the fact that someone you love might have it.

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