Sometimes, despite our best efforts and desire to keep the family intact, divorce looms. Yet, how do you navigate divorce and custody issues with a partner whose high-conflict behavior has made divorce the only option? I asked William “Bill” Eddy, MCSW, JD, to offer some advice (below).
As an attorney, therapist, mediator, and president of the High Conflict Institute, Eddy provides consultations and training about managing high-conflict personalities to professionals, including attorneys, judges, mediators, mental health professionals, and human resource professionals.
By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
President, High Conflict Institute
Some parents considering divorce have questions about dealing with the “High-Conflict” behavior of a partner whose untreated ADHD creates intractable problems. This is a familiar problem for any parent dealing with a High-Conflict co-parent who remains in denial about any mental-health condition. While I’m going to refer to an ex-husband here, the same information applies to ex-wives in denial about their own conditions.
The first three tips are reminders to yourself; the last four tips are actions to take.
- It’s Not About You! While this is obvious most of the time, it’s a lot harder to remember when he is yelling at you, blaming you, and challenging you. Just keep reminding yourself of this and ask your friends and supportive family members to remind you of this. It will give you needed energy.
- You’re Not Going To Change Him! You already know this, but in the heat of battle it’s tempting to try. Just forget-about-it! Save your energy for strategic responses and setting limits, not challenging him back.
- Don’t Try to Make Logical Suggestions! An angry, upset, belligerent bully is operating most likely out of his defensive-brain thinking, which focuses on survival and not logic. Since you’re not going to change him, use the following methods to “manage” him.
- Try Connecting with Him with E.A.R. Statements. These are statements that communicate Empathy, Attention or Respect. Try not to totally avoid him or seem unfriendly. If he has had a setback of some sort, briefly tell him you can “empathize with him,” “understand his frustrations,” “see how difficult it is,” etc. See if you can find something that you respect about him and mention it early and often in your conversations. Don’t do this if you need to just get away from him, but if you are sharing children, it will be a good thing to practice, regardless of what he says. Often High-Conflict people mirror the emotions of the people they are talking with, so try to maintain positive emotions while interacting.
- Use B.I.F.F. Responses to Hostile E-mails. If you communicate mostly by email, be careful not to make things worse by slipping into criticisms and suggestions. Just be Brief (3-4 sentences), Informative (just necessary information without opinions or advice), Friendly (thanks for your question, etc.) and Firm (set a deadline if you need a response or say that’s all you’ll say on this subject if the discussion needs to end).
- Set Limits and Inform of Consequences. This is what to do instead of making suggestions or giving advice. Just say, “When you do _____, I’m going to do _____.” “You’re doing _____ again, so I will now [be leaving][call my lawyer about going back to court][stop providing that extra flexibility I was giving you][etc.].” Don’t make it a discussion. Don’t try to convince him. Just matter-of-factly tell him what you are going to do, rather than what he should do. “When you do this, I will do that.” And make sure you do what you say.
- Choose Your Battles. Unfortunately, he will always be difficult. But you have already taken some big steps to live separately from him. This approach of “managing” your ex gets easier as you disengage from expecting him to be different. Set limits when necessary, impose consequences when necessary, and otherwise focus on living your own life to the best of your ability. It’s hardest usually in the first year. Many people have moved on even though their “ex” remains a High-Conflict person.
For more information on managing a potentially high-conflict divorce or a difficult co-parent, visit the website for the High Conflict Institute.
Eddy has authored several books, including
- Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything (Kindle)
- Don’t Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce
