ADHD and relationships

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The Rating Game Beats The Arguing Game

December 5, 2009 in Essays, Practical Strategies | 4 comments

Michele Novotni, psychologist, coach, and ADHD expert

Michele Novotni, psychologist, coach, and ADHD expert

Psychologist, coach, and ADHD expert Michele Novotni is the author of What  Does Everybody Else Know That I Don’t?: Social Skills Help for Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder.

Below, she offers this simple  advice for you and your ADHD partner to start establishing priorities about tasks and chores:

“I want my husband to understand that I don’t do it on purpose. He thinks that I ‘forget’ to close the cabinets or ‘forget’ to put something away on purpose.”

Ginny, a client in my group for adults with ADHD, was sharing her frustrations over living with a husband who doesn’t have ADHD.  Her ADHD-specific need for relationship advice is common, especially when it comes to domestic tasks. Read the rest of this entry »

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Husband to Me: “I’m glad you’re not perfect!”

January 4, 2009 in First Person | No comments

“Whoa, looks like I got a little carried away with the pitchfork,” I mutter, looking out the window to see a small fountain shooting from the soaker hose.

“Huh? What’s wrong?” says my husband with alarm in his voice, defensively peering over his impromptu shield, The New York Times.

“Relax, I just punctured the hose when I was digging out those dahlias yesterday. A piece of it was buried in the dirt, and I didn’t see it.”

“Shew!” he says, chuckling and relaxing back into the Week in Review. “I’m glad it was you who goofed up and not me.” Living for a few decades with unrecognized ADHD can make a person a bit…gunshy, always half-expecting to be reamed out for some unintentional, unforeseen consequence. Moreover, living with a domestically and logistically high-functioning mate can bring dispiriting “less-than” comparisons. Read the rest of this entry »

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Did The Traits That Attracted You…..Remain?

November 29, 2008 in What Attracted You? | 5 comments

Initially, maybe you were attracted to your ADHD partner’s spontaneity, only to find that he or she had no choice but to be spontaneous; planning was impossible! Or, perhaps your ADHD partner’s ability to make you laugh — from that first date to your 25th anniversary — has held you together during the rough times.

In previous posts, we compared the traits that attracted ADHD Partner Survey respondents to their mates, and vice versa. Then we asked respondents if their ADHD partners’ attractive traits remained as the relationship matured. Half the partners said, “Yes, those traits stayed the same.” The other half said, “Nope.” Either way, most respondents added nuance by writing in text responses (below). (Remember: Most respondents didn’t know Adult ADHD, and their partners were not diagnosed, until years into the relationship.)

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