1. That psychologist is WRONG about the medication not being able to change marital problems.

It won’t change everything, of course. There is often “baggage” and even damage to deal with. But for a time, you both noticed improvements. For this psychologist (or even you) to blame it on your husband not wanting to “work on it” anymore seems wholly unfair to me. Why? Because it sounds like this psychologist is extremely poorly informed on helping the pwADHD.

2. Please don’t get locked into the “who’s to blame” game. Look at it from your husband’s point of view: He did what you asked, he went to an alleged ADHD professional, and it’s still not “good enough.” What is he supposed to do now? His back’s up against the wall. Not a comfortable place to be. (Especially when one’s stimulant dosage might be too high or when it has aggravated other conditions).

3. He MUST stop the coffee. We had a big discussion about this at our last local ADHD discussion group. The stimulant can mix with the caffeine in a very bad way, making it equivalent to double the stimulant dosage or more. Moreover, caffeine is not a targeted medication; it is a messy one that can create irritability, anger, and worse. (This is in my book.)

4. I’d hold off on the marriage counseling until you get the meds optimized. It will just frustrate both of you, IMHO.

5. Please assure your husband you know it’s not all “him” but whether he realizes it or not, the caffeine and perhaps the medication (wrong choice, too high a dosage, etc.) are working against him.

If you don’t have a more knowledgeable physician in your area, I highly recommend that you and your husband consider the Neuroscience testing and a phone consult with Dr. Parker. (We have no business relationship whatsoever.)

good luck and don’t give up. Take a deep breath and focus on those good times from a few months ago.

I’m so sorry to hear this, for both of you. (Your husband is probably as frustrated as you are. He did what you asked and it still didn’t work!)

I wish I heard stories like this only rarely. Unfortunately, they are too common. That’s why I devoted a good chunk of the book to medication issues, especially the importance of following a protocol — AND paying attention to co-existing conditions. To what else does this “medical psychologist” attribute the increased aggression if not the increased dosage? It could be many other things, but that is the first thing to rule out. But there are plenty of other factors, some of them quite simple, such as is your husband consuming caffeine? That can severely interfere with the stimulants working properly.

If you both were happier two months ago than you’d ever been, HOLD ONTO THAT AND INSIST ON BETTER MEDICAL TREATMENT. And don’t assume you can just turn it over to any professional. People with ADHD and their partners must be their own advocates and must be smart mental healthcare consumers — or suffer the consequences. Passivity just won’t cut it.

It’s only an anti-ADHD myth that treating ADHD medically is a “quick fix.” It takes care and attention, from both patient and physician (and with a third-party pitching in with feedback). PLEASE re-read my book’s chapters on medication (assuming you’ve already read them) and re-evaluate the treatment process. Did you use the tracking chart in the back of the book?

Also, sign up to receive Dr. Parker’s excellent free white paper (Predictable Solutions for ADHD Meds). Look for the sign-up form in the upper right corner at his blog: http://www.corepsychblog.com/

g

LOLOLOL!!! I’m afraid I’d let them jerk my chain, and I’d come off looking like a nincompoop. But I’m working on it. I’m working on it…….

I’m sure you were clear — my brain is just on overload. (This week, it’s catching up on a year’s worth of accounting — for my husband’s business AND mine….not a pretty sight!)

Now that I re-read my response, I see it might make little sense! With nary a transition, I jumped from talking about Larry Diller’s nonsensical ADHD-prevention technique (spanking) to “abusive” behavior related to unrecognized Adult ADHD symptoms. That’s sort of how I see the subject of ADHD — complex and far-reaching.

Here, by the way, is the US News interview with Larry Diller — if you want to really give your neurons a whirl, read all 82 comments; many of them are from pwADHD who testify that spanking really did not work that well for their unrecognized ADHD. It only made them fearful, shamed, etc.

http://www.usnews.com/health/blogs/on-parenting/2008/06/09/one-view-a-spanking-might-beat-ritalin

On the other topic I alluded to above: Adult ADHD symptoms as “abusive.” At one of my talks, a man with ADHD told me that his wife had read the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship and concluded that he was abusive towards her. Moreover, his abuse was intentional — a “power trip.”

If you read the list of verbally abusive characteristics in that book, you will see that some of them closely align with some ADHD symptoms. Sorry I don’t have time to find the book and excerpt a few, but they’re along the lines of forgetting, not paying attention during conversations, denying that conversations took place, arguing, etc.

The takeaway point: It’s important to recognize when these “abusive” behaviors might be symptomatic of ADHD instead of being willfully abusive behavior.

For the ADHD Partner Survey, I actually listed all the “Verbally Abusive” traits and asked respondents to check which ones were present in their relationship. I also asked if they considered them abusive before and after the ADHD diagnosis. Will write that post on the ADHD Partner Survey blog some day soon….. http://www.ADHDPartner.org

g

Thanks for visiting. I’m not sure I’m following you. (Our Adult ADHD Discussion group went late last night, so maybe my brain is fuzzy this morning! It was a great meeting, though.)

Perhaps you’re referring to my comments on US News interview with Larry Diller, who advocates spanking as a way to prevent ADHD and other nonsense?

Or maybe you mean something else.

In general, I am not as quick as some to label behaviors “abusive.” Because to me, this often just helps to create a volitional abuser/victim dynamic.

It’s true that many ADHD symptoms can be “abusive.” But I think it’s important to look for the cause of behaviors and thereby increase the chance of finding solutions. There are some therapists who just seem to “self-medicate” with their perspectives on abuse — who attribute all kinds of conscious motive to said abuser — and I don’t find it helpful.

Many ADHD symptoms are as “abusive” to the person who has the symptoms as to the people around the person. In short, unrecognized ADHD symptoms can hurt everyone.

I hope that makes sense. If that doesn’t address your question, maybe you can tell me more and I will try again.

And absolutely, no one should accept abusive behavior.