Comments on: Letters from the ADHD Roller Coaster Mailbag http://adhdpartner.org/first-person/letters-from-the-adhd-roller-coaster-mailbag/ Findings from a survey querying the partners of adults with ADHD Sun, 18 Mar 2012 16:22:39 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Gina Pera http://adhdpartner.org/first-person/letters-from-the-adhd-roller-coaster-mailbag/comment-page-1/#comment-13201 Gina Pera Tue, 01 Nov 2011 17:52:14 +0000 http://adhdpartner.org/?p=69#comment-13201 HI Karl, If you read my book, you could see for yourself. ;-) I emphasize repeatedly that ADHD is not a cookie-cutter condition, that the partners of adults with ADHD are not perfect and might indeed have problems of their own. But, understandably, this book focuses in-depth on ONE topic: ADHD. Perhaps your wife is not truly saying that your ADHD was the "sole" problem. Perhaps, though, it was the "elephant in the room." When something as big as ADHD goes unrecognized, it can block the way towards shared strategies and equal responsibility. If she suffered all her life from depression, that was something you knew going in, right? So, I wonder if you blamed her depression as the "sole" problem in the relationship. The stress from living with a partner's untreated ADHD can cause depression and anxiety in those without a proclivity towards others, and it can greatly exacerbate it in those who do. Moreover, when someone who has been living in this situation for many years finally reads my book, it can come as a shock. There can be anger that no other physician or therapist pointed out the issue, that they have been dealing with unnecessary stress. There can be even more anger if for the longest time the partner with ADHD has been "in denial" of his or her problems and blamed the partner for any relationship troubles. So, you see, this is a complex issue. I hope that as your treatment progresses that you can both start teasing out the issues and working on solutions. HI Karl,

If you read my book, you could see for yourself. ;-)

I emphasize repeatedly that ADHD is not a cookie-cutter condition, that the partners of adults with ADHD are not perfect and might indeed have problems of their own.

But, understandably, this book focuses in-depth on ONE topic: ADHD.

Perhaps your wife is not truly saying that your ADHD was the “sole” problem. Perhaps, though, it was the “elephant in the room.” When something as big as ADHD goes unrecognized, it can block the way towards shared strategies and equal responsibility.

If she suffered all her life from depression, that was something you knew going in, right? So, I wonder if you blamed her depression as the “sole” problem in the relationship. The stress from living with a partner’s untreated ADHD can cause depression and anxiety in those without a proclivity towards others, and it can greatly exacerbate it in those who do.

Moreover, when someone who has been living in this situation for many years finally reads my book, it can come as a shock. There can be anger that no other physician or therapist pointed out the issue, that they have been dealing with unnecessary stress. There can be even more anger if for the longest time the partner with ADHD has been “in denial” of his or her problems and blamed the partner for any relationship troubles.

So, you see, this is a complex issue. I hope that as your treatment progresses that you can both start teasing out the issues and working on solutions.

]]> By: Karl M Johanson http://adhdpartner.org/first-person/letters-from-the-adhd-roller-coaster-mailbag/comment-page-1/#comment-13192 Karl M Johanson Tue, 01 Nov 2011 06:56:42 +0000 http://adhdpartner.org/?p=69#comment-13192 My ex-wife, childhood friend, and still close friend, gave a copy of your book to my wife, who has suffered since childhood with depression. She is currently on medication. I am 69 years old, a formerly licensed counselor with a Ph.D. in Education. I have recently been diagnosed by a phychiatrist as having ADHD and started medications. I was also tested on the TOVA and but only scored - .2 with - 1.0 to - 1.8 being an indicator of ADHD. When my wife read your book, she like some who have posted here, immediately identified me as the sole cause of our marital stife. I have tried to point out that I could write a book, "Is It You, Me, or Your Depression?" and that she reacts often reacts/overreacts to the same behaviors in me that co-workers and friends do not. Most of the examples in your book seem to assume that there are no underlying issues with the partner of the "identified patient." Would you comment? My ex-wife, childhood friend, and still close friend, gave a copy of your book to my wife, who has suffered since childhood with depression. She is currently on medication. I am 69 years old, a formerly licensed counselor with a Ph.D. in Education. I have recently been diagnosed by a phychiatrist as having ADHD and started medications. I was also tested on the TOVA and but only scored – .2 with – 1.0 to – 1.8 being an indicator of ADHD. When my wife read your book, she like some who have posted here, immediately identified me as the sole cause of our marital stife. I have tried to point out that I could write a book, “Is It You, Me, or Your Depression?” and that she reacts often reacts/overreacts to the same behaviors in me that co-workers and friends do not. Most of the examples in your book seem to assume that there are no underlying issues with the partner of the “identified patient.” Would you comment?

]]> By: Gina Pera http://adhdpartner.org/first-person/letters-from-the-adhd-roller-coaster-mailbag/comment-page-1/#comment-11885 Gina Pera Mon, 27 Jun 2011 00:23:42 +0000 http://adhdpartner.org/?p=69#comment-11885 Good work, J. You might also want to check out the excellent treatment guidelines for adult ADHD, recently posted for public benefit by Canada's fine ADHD experts, through CADDRA. http://www.caddra.ca/cms4/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=26&Itemid=353&lang=en Good work, J.

You might also want to check out the excellent treatment guidelines for adult ADHD, recently posted for public benefit by Canada’s fine ADHD experts, through CADDRA. http://www.caddra.ca/cms4/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=26&Itemid=353&lang=en

]]> By: j http://adhdpartner.org/first-person/letters-from-the-adhd-roller-coaster-mailbag/comment-page-1/#comment-11884 j Sun, 26 Jun 2011 23:38:03 +0000 http://adhdpartner.org/?p=69#comment-11884 Thank you. I put through an email to caddra and hopefully they will be able to direct us. Once again, your book is the most useful resource that I have found and refer to it time and again, even showing chapters to my teenage children to explain why Dad acts the way he does (not willfully or maliciously). it really helps. Thank you. I put through an email to caddra and hopefully they will be able to direct us. Once again, your book is the most useful resource that I have found and refer to it time and again, even showing chapters to my teenage children to explain why Dad acts the way he does (not willfully or maliciously). it really helps.

]]> By: Gina Pera http://adhdpartner.org/first-person/letters-from-the-adhd-roller-coaster-mailbag/comment-page-1/#comment-11865 Gina Pera Fri, 24 Jun 2011 21:24:24 +0000 http://adhdpartner.org/?p=69#comment-11865 You know, that really depends on the person. I don't know anyone, though, who has not benefited from understanding the nature of their challenges and gaining solid information to help them. You know, that really depends on the person. I don’t know anyone, though, who has not benefited from understanding the nature of their challenges and gaining solid information to help them.

]]> By: j http://adhdpartner.org/first-person/letters-from-the-adhd-roller-coaster-mailbag/comment-page-1/#comment-11864 j Fri, 24 Jun 2011 20:40:31 +0000 http://adhdpartner.org/?p=69#comment-11864 Many thanks. I have read and reread your book so many times...and Hallowell and Ratey and anything else I can get my hands on. One thing we are afraid of...are there instances where one's life can be affected for the worse with the identification and treatment of ADHD at age 45 Many thanks. I have read and reread your book so many times…and Hallowell and Ratey and anything else I can get my hands on. One thing we are afraid of…are there instances where one’s life can be affected for the worse with the identification and treatment of ADHD at age 45

]]> By: Gina Pera http://adhdpartner.org/first-person/letters-from-the-adhd-roller-coaster-mailbag/comment-page-1/#comment-11860 Gina Pera Fri, 24 Jun 2011 15:13:18 +0000 http://adhdpartner.org/?p=69#comment-11860 Hi J, Yes, I've head that story a few times.... ;-) Hope is a good thing to have! And you are wise to "get it right the first time." You'll increase your chances of that if you educate yourself first. The best ADHD treatment outcomes -- even with the best care providers -- require a pro-actiive patient (and partner). Reading my book will give you a strong foundation on optimizing medication and understanding the type of therapy that research shows is effective for ADHD. I don't know specific care providers in Toronto, but I bet you can connect with the Toronto ADHD community my friends' blog: http://totallyadd.com/forum/ I hope this helps! Hi J,

Yes, I’ve head that story a few times…. ;-)

Hope is a good thing to have! And you are wise to “get it right the first time.” You’ll increase your chances of that if you educate yourself first. The best ADHD treatment outcomes — even with the best care providers — require a pro-actiive patient (and partner). Reading my book will give you a strong foundation on optimizing medication and understanding the type of therapy that research shows is effective for ADHD.

I don’t know specific care providers in Toronto, but I bet you can connect with the Toronto ADHD community my friends’ blog: http://totallyadd.com/forum/

I hope this helps!

]]> By: j http://adhdpartner.org/first-person/letters-from-the-adhd-roller-coaster-mailbag/comment-page-1/#comment-11859 j Fri, 24 Jun 2011 14:01:04 +0000 http://adhdpartner.org/?p=69#comment-11859 Dear Gina, I'm sure you've heard this story before...we became aware of my husband's undiagnosed ADHD when we became aware of my 9 yr old son's diagnosed ADHD. Now I have so much hope that maybe we can put the reins on the irritability, unpredictability, overprotective, etc etc behavior through meds and/or therapy. Who should I contact first? I am in the Toronto area. I will not be able to deag my husband from dr to dr (he will lose patience :)) so I want to get it right the first time... Thanks! Dear Gina, I’m sure you’ve heard this story before…we became aware of my husband’s undiagnosed ADHD when we became aware of my 9 yr old son’s diagnosed ADHD. Now I have so much hope that maybe we can put the reins on the irritability, unpredictability, overprotective, etc etc behavior through meds and/or therapy. Who should I contact first? I am in the Toronto area. I will not be able to deag my husband from dr to dr (he will lose patience :) ) so I want to get it right the first time… Thanks!

]]> By: Gina Pera http://adhdpartner.org/first-person/letters-from-the-adhd-roller-coaster-mailbag/comment-page-1/#comment-11206 Gina Pera Fri, 15 Apr 2011 00:18:16 +0000 http://adhdpartner.org/?p=69#comment-11206 haha -- that line was a lifesaver for me, too, back in the day. Fortunately, I don't need it anymore. And I wish that for you and your family, too. You might want to talk to the CHADD Minneapolis folks about setting up a satellite meeting in your town. That way, you could advertise it (it would also be listed on CHADD's list) and build up interest over time. All CHADD chapters/meeting are initiated and run by volunteers. As for the online group, it might work well for you. You can post your mail, leave, and check for responses the next time you are at a computer. There is a search function that lets you enter terms (e.g. your subject message) and find responses quickly. Meanwhile, just keep reading that book. I wrote it as a "support group in a book" specifically for those who needed a crash course! :-) g haha — that line was a lifesaver for me, too, back in the day. Fortunately, I don’t need it anymore. And I wish that for you and your family, too.

You might want to talk to the CHADD Minneapolis folks about setting up a satellite meeting in your town. That way, you could advertise it (it would also be listed on CHADD’s list) and build up interest over time. All CHADD chapters/meeting are initiated and run by volunteers.

As for the online group, it might work well for you. You can post your mail, leave, and check for responses the next time you are at a computer. There is a search function that lets you enter terms (e.g. your subject message) and find responses quickly.

Meanwhile, just keep reading that book. I wrote it as a “support group in a book” specifically for those who needed a crash course! :-)

g

]]> By: J http://adhdpartner.org/first-person/letters-from-the-adhd-roller-coaster-mailbag/comment-page-1/#comment-11204 J Thu, 14 Apr 2011 19:08:55 +0000 http://adhdpartner.org/?p=69#comment-11204 Thank you. :) I have been on the CHADD website before and the only support group listed is the CHADD group that meets in Minneapolis and we are about 2 1/2 hours north. I did find an email address and sent a message to see if they have additonal info for our area. I will also check in to the yahoo group as well. My only dilema is we do not have internet at home so staying connected via the web proves to be a little more challenging, but sure worth a try. Thanks again. Your book as given me some vital education tools and even more vital undestanding of what my men live with every day. The greatest help has been to know I am not crazy!. My life statement from the book as become "I do not have to attend every argument I am invited to." what a life saver! :) God bless! J Thank you. :)

I have been on the CHADD website before and the only support group listed is the CHADD group that meets in Minneapolis and we are about 2 1/2 hours north. I did find an email address and sent a message to see if they have additonal info for our area.

I will also check in to the yahoo group as well. My only dilema is we do not have internet at home so staying connected via the web proves to be a little more challenging, but sure worth a try.

Thanks again. Your book as given me some vital education tools and even more vital undestanding of what my men live with every day. The greatest help has been to know I am not crazy!. My life statement from the book as become “I do not have to attend every argument I am invited to.” what a life saver! :)

God bless!
J

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